You feel overwhelmed, defenseless, powerless and maybe even at a loss for words. Your heart is pounding as if you are being attacked by a wild animal, your hands become sweaty and your breath increases. Your body is “flooded” with neurotransmitters, adrenaline and cortisol.
These are all symptoms of your body’s flight, fight or freeze system kicking into gear. Your body is reacting to a perceived threat and is going into highly protective mode as your mind believes you are in danger. This happens when you’re fighting in a war, seeing a rabid dog come charging toward you and also when you experience repeated criticism and contempt in your relationship.
The more stress we feel prior to the relationship fight, the faster our bodies will flood. It takes about 20 minutes for heart rate to return to normal and for the body to completely calm down. Sometimes you will think you are calm long before your body has actually returned to its neutral state. Until it resets, your body’s number one goal is to protect yourself and be safe. During this time, your thinking is clouded and your judgment is poor, thus causing you to more likely say something you regret to your partner. Also, opening our minds to alternative solutions and problem solving becomes almost impossible.
Most of the time men, when flooded, will stonewall, although women do it too. They are no longer listening to their partners and the argument is at a standstill. Both partners feel attacked, unhappy and alone. While people in healthy relationships will feel flooded once in a while, John Gottman has shown in research that the more often flooding occurs, the stronger the sign is that the relationship is becoming more and more fragile.
Repeated flooding and stonewalling are signs of very unhealthy patterns in a relationship. South Asians who experience this are less likely to divorce, as is dictated by the culture, but are more likely to have a relationship where the partners no longer feel close. Your body’s automatic reaction to flooding is to distance yourself from the perceived threat. In this case, the danger is your partner so partners start experiencing more isolation which increases loneliness. These South Asian marriages look like two roommates going through the motions of life together.
Why Should I Care About Flooding?
It creates a harmful cycle in which a relationship loses it’s healthy qualities and becomes more and more unhealthy.
Unhealthy relationships have very negative and long term consequences on each partner’s health as well as on their children’s development.
We are more likely to misinterpret actions by other people, not just our partners, which can ultimately strain other relationships with family, friends and coworkers.
We lose our ability to manage stress in a healthy manner by becoming overwhelmed with everything and putting our bodies in a state of chronic stress.
What Are the Symptoms of Flooding?
Pulse increases to over 80 beats per minute for men, 90 beats per minute for women
Heart feels like it is pounding
Breath feels more shallow
Sweating more
Stomach feels tight or you experience some digestive problems
Arms across chest
Nothing makes you laugh
Biting inside of your cheek
Feeling compelled to leave the room or get away from your partner
Stuttering
Thinking is cloudy
Unable to see alternate solutions to your problem
…and others
I’m Flooding What Do I Do?
Agree with your partner to take a 20 minute break.
Get some fresh air and breathe slowly.
Some people benefit from physical activity such as going for a walk or cleaning the house. Do
Do not return to the conversation until after 20 minutes are over even if you think you are calmer.
Do not use drugs or drink alcohol. This will exacerbate the emotions and will take longer to recover from.
How do you calm yourself down when you feel flooded? We would love to hear your ideas! Please leave a comment below.