As they pulled out of the driveway, their two young children waving excitedly at their parents, Chinmayi and Pramod breathed a sigh of relief. As parents they are not supposed to feel relieved when they are away from their children. But there they were, driving toward the freeway, feeling fifty pounds lighter. They were going out to dinner and a movie for their 10 year anniversary at the insistence of Pramod’s mother and the felt eternally grateful for the break.
Their older son, at the age of 8, was diagnosed with ADHD but raising him had been stressful for several years prior to the official diagnosis. From when Parag was an infant, Chinmayi had to ensure that Parag’s schedule was never disrupted. Consistency and predictability was a must for Parag otherwise he would cry incessantly and would be very difficult to soothe.
Her rigidness with his daily routine made her the butt of many jokes and unsolicited comments by her mother and other new mothers in their neighborhood. She was called obsessive, overly controlling and a helicopter mother. On numerous occasions she was told that she was spoiling Parag and that he would grow up to be a brat. Even when she tried to explain that this was just his demeanor, she could tell the other mothers were not interested in keeping an open mind.
As he became older, and her second son was born, Chinmayi and Pramod realized that Parag required very specific instructions and rules otherwise he would have a difficult time doing what he was told. Simply telling him to clean his room would result in Pramod finding Parag doing something entirely different five minutes later, whereas Sanket, who was two years younger, would be putting toys away. But if instructed to put toys in the toy bucket, Parag was able to complete the task.
Despite being older, Parag would consistently test limits and push his parents’ buttons to see how far they would go to hold their boundaries whereas Sanket understood the concept of limits much earlier. It made Parag look like a problem child but Chinmayi and Pramod refused to accept that label for their son.
The most difficult challenge of raising a child with ADHD was that Pramod and Chinmayi felt like they had to answer to numerous people who had nothing but complaints about their son. Since preschool, his teachers always complained that Parag was disruptive, defiant and purposefully annoying in class. His first grade teacher suggested that Parag join a sports team to release all of his “extra energy” so Pramod took him to soccer lessons. Within the first week, the coach complained to Pramod that Parag had even less attention span than normal 6 years olds.
The part that hurt Pramod and Chinmayi the most was the insinuation that they were bad parents and that Parag was the way he was because of something they were doing wrong. While most people simply made comments that implied this belief, his third grade teacher bluntly told them that they should attend parenting classes so they know how to raise a proper boy.
The stress of parenting a child with ADHD was wearing on Pramod and Chinmayi. Between the constant negative messages and blame they felt from others, the guilt they felt wondering if they truly were responsible, and the constant attention that Parag needed, both parents were becoming less and less patient with him and with each other. They found themselves yelling at him more often, usually out of frustration. Other times they felt bad for being angry with him and they would be angry with each other. The rise in family conflict also wore on them, leaving Pramod and Chinmayi constantly exhausted and stressed.
What they never said out loud was that they were secretly resentful. It was a horrible thought and one that each of them would push away as quickly as it appeared. Parag’s psychologist explained that it is a common feeling that many parents of children with any special needs or mental health issues feel. Everyone has a vision of having a perfect child and when that vision is challenged it can feel incredibly unfair, the psychologist explained.
They were both so grateful when Pramod’s mother recognized the negativity that surrounded their family. She offered to watch the boys as they spent an evening away from everything. “You will do your children no good if you never take a break and recharge yourselves,” she said. “They know you love them. They need to know you love each other too.” Pramod and Chinmayi knew she was right and were relieved that someone had given them permission to take some time for themselves.
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