“I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and like I can’t do anything right,” Meera said.
“Have you ever felt this way before?”
It was a simple question but when she stopped to think about feeling bullied or unaccepted, Meera was surprised at how many examples she could come up with.
She remembered back to her childhood. Meera, being the oldest, was made to be responsible for her younger sisters. She would have to choose their outfits, make sure they were ready for school and that they were quiet when their mother needed to sleep. Her mother would become very upset with her if the girls weren’t ready on time, if they forgot something at home for school or if they were making too much noise. It always left Meera feeling like she was failing at her job as an older sister. Looking back Meera realized these were unrealistic expectations of a young child.
Her parents had a difficult relationship and often after an argument, her mother would complain to Meera and her sisters about how frustrated she was with their father. One time when she was 17 years old, she could not understand why her mother sounded like she was being so unfair to their father. Meera voiced this during her mother’s complaints. That night they were playing a board game and she was chosen to be on her mother’s team. Half jokingly her mother said, “I don’t want to be on her team.”
“What?” Meera asked, shocked.
“How do I know you’ll be helping me and not the other side?” her mother laughed. Meera knew what her mother was insinuating and became upset.
“Do you have something to say to me?” Meera said angrily.
“Come on Meera, it’s a joke,” her mother continued to laugh. Everyone else was also laughing because they did not know what Meera was upset about. She began to wonder if she was overreacting.
This reminded Meera of her boss at her first job. He would be very inappropriate to his subordinates, especially to her. He would yell at her if he was upset, sometimes calling her names like lazy or slow. She knew it wasn’t right but her instinct was to just do as she did with her mother and be on her best behavior to not set him off. She felt trapped in his presence and worried that she wasn’t qualified to work at the company.
That brought her to her current situation. This time it was her partner. He was unpredictable and moody. When she would share how she was feeling about something, he would invalidate her brushing off her emotions and calling her sensitive.
As Meera reminisced about her past she couldn’t believe that she had never made the connection. Her partner behaved differently with her than her mother and her boss. But there was a very common theme: they all made her feel unimportant, undervalued, as if she was the problem and that she had to be careful around them otherwise she would be in trouble.
Meera’s story is a very common one. Experiencing emotional abuse especially as a child, puts you at risk for finding yourself in future abusive situations. Emotional abuse can present itself in a multitude of ways but the underlying concept is the same: it is used to manipulate, control and put down the person who is the object of the abuse. If you have found yourself in numerous situations where you are treated unfairly and in a manipulative manner, counseling can help identify how to break that pattern so that future relationships, professional or personal, can be healthier.
What do you think about emotional abuse?