Numerous research studies have identified three basic conflict management styles that are commonly seen in couples: avoidant, volatile and validating. Most important for the satisfaction and health of the relationship is having a matching conflict management style with your partner. That way, both of you have the same expectations of how disagreements will be resolved.
About 30% of couples say that their partner has a different conflict resolution style than their own, with the actual number probably being higher than that. Most commonly, the mismatched style that exists is the stereotypical woman as the pursuer (or volatile) and the man as the avoider. However, all conflict styles can exist in either gender.
Mostly, our preferences for how we manage conflict come from our experiences as a child in our families. We see how our parents resolved conflict and we behave in ways that were expected of us as a child as well. When we enter into a long-term relationship, we combine a life with a person who may have been raised entirely differently. Therefore, it is important to identify what each of your habits and expectations are for disagreement resolution so that you can have a healthy, satisfying relationship.
Below are the most common behaviors associated with each of the conflict management styles. Which one are you and which one is your partner?
Volatile
You believe you and your partner are equals.
You believe the relationship should highlight each of your strengths and individuality.
You believe in being brutally honest about positive and negative things.
You are very expressive in your relationship physically, emotionally and sexually.
You believe the best way to handle a disagreement is to deal with the problem head on and assertively.
Most of your arguments involve your side being heated.
During disagreements, you try to convince your partner to change their point of view but without hostility.
The amount of passion you put into your arguments matches the amount of passion you put into all other aspects of your relationship.
You believe in passionate arguments and passionate reconciliations.
You feel competitive with your partner and believe a relationship should push both of you to become better people.
Validating
You believe that your partner’s opinions and emotions are valid regardless of how you feel about the disagreement or about your partner.
During arguments, you remain calm and are able to see your partner’s point of view most of the time.
You value mutual respect in a relationship.
Your disagreements are not full on fights but are more like high-level discussions.
Your arguments tend to have a pattern: each of you takes a turn to express your complaint and explain why you think your point of view is correct without disrespecting your partner’s viewpoint.
You strongly believe that hostility has no place in a conversation with your partner.
You know an argument is resolved when you walk away from it having a better understanding of your partner.
Rather than valuing individuality, you thrive on the friendship and joint partnership aspect of a relationship.
Avoidant
You believe in minimizing conflict as much as possible.
You prefer to agree to disagree than to engage in an argument.
If an argument cannot be entirely avoided, you prefer to make your point but rarely try to convince the other that you are right.
You often focus on the love you feel for your partner and talk about it often as a way to convince yourself that it enough to counter all of the issues that you and your partner disagree on.
You value keeping hostility outside of the relationship and communication.
If you end up in an argument, you are more likely to stonewall very early and disengage from the conversation.
When a situation arises that touches on a subject you disagree on with your partner, you feel high levels of stress.
While researchers maintain that as long as the couple matches in their conflict styles, most of the time the relationship can continue to be satisfying. The only exception to that is if both partners are Avoidant. They are less likely to gain skills on how to manage disagreements appropriately. This becomes a big problem when the couple has children and has to make important decisions. Because they did not practice good communication prior to becoming parents, they are more likely than the other two conflict types to develop unhealthy relationship patterns after the children are born.
None of these conflict management styles include hostility by nature. If you notice that you our your partner are feeling contempt toward each other, it is important to change your communication style as quickly as possible to avoid long term damage to the relationship.
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