For young South Asian adults, after obtaining a college degree, the next item to check off on your list of things to do is to get married. The pressure for marriage begins earlier than our non South Asian counterparts and may be difficult to explain to someone who is not familiar with the culture. The stress increases when finding a partner is no longer done just for your parents but because you are interested in finding a life-long mate as well.
Meeting new people gets harder as you get older and many South Asians, who feel like they have let their parents down by not getting married at 25, are also worried about being single forever. The options then become to either settle with just anyone to quell the fears of being alone for life or to spend some time, put in a little more effort, and find the partner that is a good match.
Here are some tips on how to successfully find the right partner for you.
1. Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship.
Are you ready to have a committed relationship or are you pressured to be in one because everyone around you is in one and/or your parents are becoming worried about your single life? If you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship, you are very likely to choose partners who are only superficially compatible with you. Such relationships will not last and you may find yourself single again sooner than you’d like. Ask yourself what it would mean if you were single for a little while longer. The answer to this question can help you figure out why it is so important to be in a relationship.
2. Identify the commonalities between all of your unsuccessful relationships.
We have a tendency to gravitate toward certain types of people, whether they are compatible with us or not. Why are you attracted to those types of people? What keeps you from trying a different type of person? Learn more about cyclical dating patterns.
3. Answer honestly how you feel about being alone.
Fear is the worst reason to be in a relationship. Instead of running away from being alone, learn the skills to being alone and being comfortable with it. For example, if you realize you don’t want to be alone because you’re afraid of what others will think, it is important that you explore why others’ opinions matter so much that you want to make such a personal and life-long decision based on their thoughts.
4. Identify the things that make you, you. Include your strengths and weaknesses.
Knowing who you truly are, and not who you would like to be, will help you learn about your role in past unsuccessful relationships. Most people think they are who they want to be, instead of being honest about who they actually are. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses and accept them without judgment. Then, create reasonable goals to improve your weaknesses so you actually become the person you want to be.
5. Try online dating.
Research conducted in 2009 found that contrary to popular belief, people who are more sociable are more likely to engage in online dating than people who are less sociable. This is because people who use online dating have high self-esteem and find romantic relationships to be important to them. They see online dating as just one more method they can use to find a potential mate. On the other hand, people with low self-esteem but who also value romantic relationships are less likely to use online dating because they feel higher levels of anxiety by thinking about presenting themselves to anonymous people. They worry that their negative self-evaluations will be seen by others.
6. Treat yourself the way you wish to be treated.
Doing nice things for yourself improves not only how you feel on the inside, but how you look on the outside. Taking time to exercise, getting massages, watching your favorite movies, making your favorite breakfast for yourself all increase your self-confidence, which is necessary to find a healthy life partner. This also conveys to future partners that you don’t need them to feel happy but instead that you want them in your life. This distinction is essential to weed out the potential life partners and the ones that will keep you in the cycle you’ve been in.
Once you identify the patterns in yourself and in your past relationships, you will start to see the type of work you will need to do in order to find the right person for you. If you need help getting started, considering talking to a mental health professional who can guide you to finding your future life partner.
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